It’s mid-February and the air is dry. Fine lines appear on my forehead, maybe because I’m not moisturizing enough, but maybe as a harbinger of something bigger: I’m getting closer to my own death every day. I will be 30 soon. I will never be younger than I am now.
Fintech founder and longevity guru Bryan Johnson has an offer that caught my eye. For the low, low price of $1 million a year, I can pay him to show me the ropes of the “exact protocol” he’s followed for the past five years. The program is called “Immortal”.
Yes, a guy who received genital botox injections will teach me how to supposedly reverse the aging process. Why shouldn’t I believe that Byran Johnson has discovered the secret to living longer than any other person? No, he hasn’t proven his ability to survive all other people yet. He was born in 1977, the year many of today’s people were born.
But why would I question the judgment of a guy who’s fortified his constitution with the blood of his teenage son? When did the tech elite ever mislead us? I should also ask when Elon Musk says that saving for retirement is irrelevant because AGI will create economic abundance so great that no one will ever know poverty again?
According to Johnson’s post on X, there are only three spots available for this exclusive service! — will include “a dedicated concierge team, BryanAI 24/7, extensive testing, millions of biological data points, 24/7 monitoring, the best skin and hair protocols, and access to the best therapies on the market.”
Can I talk to an AI version of a guy who goes live and does shroomy for “science?” Register now!
Except I can’t. Because I don’t have $1 million. Those like me will have to settle for overpriced Johnson’s Olive Oil (it’s tangy and mild!) in our quest for immortality.
Techcrunch event
Boston, MA
|
June 23, 2026
My nascent brow furrow intensifies knowing that Johnson will probably have an easy time filling those three $1 million spots. Among the ultra-rich, longevity is becoming an increasingly hot goal.
John Hering, who has backed Musk with billions of dollars, co-founded Biograph, which describes itself as a preventive health and diagnostics clinic. Its most premium membership costs $15,000 a year (it almost seems like a good deal next to Johnson’s offer…almost). A similar startup, Fountain Life, raised $108 million in funding for its “ultimate longevity program,” which charges an annual fee of $21,500. Sure, Johnson’s program is much more expensive, but remember, there are only three spots! And if you’re still not ready to shell out seven figures, you can get access to a vague “supported tier” for $60,000.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a longer, healthier life, but longevity influencers like Johnson take it to an extreme that’s unattainable for the average person and (common sense would say) completely unnecessary.
In his defense, Johnson isn’t trying to get us all to take a hundred pills a day and eat mostly cooked vegetables. But it also does not deprive us of the chance to make him richer in exchange for his “secret”.